Trust
Faith in God, I wonder now if I have it! It has seemed somewhat elusive to me, yet I cannot remember a time when I didn't know of the existence of my Heavenly Father. So I ask myself, "why have there been times in my life I didn't trust that I was important enough to Him to have Him answer me?"
Back in 1989 I wanted to ask God for permission to write a certain book. It would be filled with stories of God's miracles in the lives of others. I hesitated to put forth the question, "Do you want me to write this book?" I was so insecure. My life was in somewhat of a shambles at the time.
My only son was killed in a car accident in July of that year and finding a balance, some kind of harmony, was sort of like walking a path filled with areas of quicksand. When wonderful, inexplicable events began happening three months after the death of my son, Jason, I knew these were "of God."
In the first "happening," Jason stood beside me and spoke with me. I could smell his aftershave. (He was 17 years old when he died and had only been using aftershave for a few months.) Yes, I believed I would see him again someday, in Heaven, but here he was comforting me three months after his death! I had been in a church at a funeral when this took place and I left there with a feeling of warmth in my chest, a connection with the Spirit and a thankfulness that God loved me enough to give this gift to me!
As days passed, strangers, began telling me about similar events in their respective lives. Each story touched my soul and a little part of me healed. I realized how much others needed to hear these stories. I knew word of these events would ease the pain for those individuals who were grieving for a loved one. I began gathering the stories intending they would become a book.
Doubt is a bad thing. It can stop us in our tracks! I felt I needed God's permission to write such a book and realized I was afraid He would not answer me if I asked for His permission. My doubt stopped me cold and I knew I would not write the book.
More than two and a half years later, in November of 1992, God indicated He did indeed give me His seal of approval to write such a book. I was ecstatic, mostly because "here was God talking to me and answering a question I never even had the faith to put to Him." There it was, not only does He love me but I am significant enough for Him to contact me. A most wondrous part of all of this is He confirmed for me eight times that He indeed was there for me, and "YES" He wanted me to move forward and write the book!
As I began the tedious task of gathering the stories I was soon to see that my Heavenly Father continued to be close. I had no way of telling people I was gathering these types of stories and I did not feel comfortable going public, through newspaper or other media. However, regularly, and at every turn, as people were crossing paths with me, they spoke openly and freely of the miracles in their own lives and gave permission for me to record them. Many of the stories were similar to my own.
I found it amazing, this trust of strangers. The stories they were sharing were precious and had been so valuable to them they had kept them private. Many people I spoke with had only told one or two people of the comforting miracle each had received. Why was it strangers were telling me of things that often their best friends and relatives did not know? I knew it was God working with us. He was encouraging a trust between us.
Why was this coming together with such ease? My husband commented, "It was as if Ellie became a magnet." And I realized, surely God had made me like a magnet. He not only gave his seal of approval, He was working with me on the project. I think more realistically, I was working with Him. We were all working with Him, with a single goal in mind.
After more than four years of gathering, organizing and editing, the book was published. It had been an awe-inspiring time. I felt I had been on a long walk of healing.
The pathway was filled with God-moments. These were times when I could feel the presence of God working in my life. He showed me much during these 50 months of recording and then typing the wondrous results. I learned so much about myself and my relationship with my Creator. This project of working on the book, "A Little Door, A Little Light " was a time of great healing for me. My relationship with God was strengthened. My overwhelming grief, due to the death of Jason, was eased with each story I recorded. I cried a river, or perhaps an ocean, during those years of research. The tears were healing tears, full of thankfulness for the goodness of God as He ministers to His children. His works, the miracles in the lives of thousands, shore us up. He teaches as He gives.
He loves me enough to answer me.
If you would like to use any of Ellie's material, you need her permission. Send her an email and chances are she'll say "yes!"
